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Saturday, 16 August 2014

Dear Mark Zuckerburg

Dear Mark Zuckerburg,

Today, is Saturday 16th August, and I've just I tried to log-in to my Facebook account.

I'm not a regular Facebook user, and tend to post very little on it. I only use it to keep in touch with close friends who don't happen to live near me, and various film and TV companies who often post news updates on forthcoming movies, that I might fancy seeing.

However, today, you decided I shouldn't be allowed to log into my account. You decided that you didn't think I was a genuine person, and that I must jump though a "telephone number security check"! You then informed me, that my telephone number would be added onto my Facebook Timeline, without my permission, for anyone to see, copy and then abuse. Yes, you did tell me that I could log-into my account, go into my Timeline, and hide who has access to my telephone number, but I can't do that yet. Why not?

Because your fucking Telephone Number Security Check system isn't bloody working properly!

I entered the stupidly indecipherable Captcha Check code, and then I entered my mobile phone number, but your stupid Security Check tells me that my phone number is, and I quote here...

It looks like you’re using this feature in a way it wasn’t meant to be used. Please slow down, or you could be blocked from using it.

Are you fucking kidding me?!

I am trying to do something that you are asking me too. I don't want to do it, but I have too, because you think I am not real! And then you have the gall to tell me that your request for my personal info is being used in a way you don't like?!

What gives you the right to ask me to verify my telephone number, by entering it into your broken Security Check feature; to have my number plastered all over my Facebook Page, and only to find that the Check doesn't actually work, just so that you can abuse that information for whatever never-endingly fucked-up ways you can come up with next?!

Come on Mark! (Yes, I think I've earned the right to call you by your first name!) Get your act together!

It's bad enough that you offer no Help of any kind, and that your "Help" Pages (which are as useless as a marzipan dildo - as Malcolm Tucker would say) cause users more stress than they're worth. And that you don't offer any kind of phone or e-mail support, nor a way for customers with issues, a way to actually contact you with their problems, or concerns when things go wrong. But now, you want people to jump through hoops! At least make sure the hoops are big enough and fully operational for people to jump thorough in the first goddam place!

If you want me to verify my account using my phone number, I will, but I reserve the right to make sure that NO ONE gets to abuse that number! That means you DON'T get to post it on my Timeline, and then have to force me to remove it, by jumping through another set of hoops to do so!

Considering you won't give out a public phone number, or offer your users any kind of way to contact your or your company, I find it highly ironic, and laughably tragic that you think we should all give you our phone numbers, for you to use and abuse at will, and that we'll all be cool with that!What kind of joke of an organisation are you running here?! I struggle to understand how your current financial worth, is about  $2.27 Billion dollars, and yet one-one thousandth of that couldn't be used to have some kind of actual, useable and reliable help service for your unholy creation!

All I want to do, is log-into my Facebook account. I just want to see how my friend with their broken Apple Mac is doing. I just want to see what films are coming out on Blu-Ray on Monday. I just want to see if I've won a competition I entered recently. So why are you making it so fucking impossibly hard for me to do this?!

It's bad enough my original Facebook page, was spammed to hell, and then hijacked by a vicious little troll. You didn't help me get rid of him, even though I had his details, did you?! You didn't ban him, when I told you who he was, and where he logged-on? And you sure as hell didn't offer me any help, when I was forced to terminate my original Facebook page because of his actions, and I had to wait a month for you to remove all of it!

Now, you want me to "verify" who I am, whilst simultaneously you make it as hard as possible for me to do that! No wonder people hate you and your creation so much! Oh, and yes, I am acutely aware that if I don't want to give you my number, I can upload a scan of my Passport or Driving Licence instead, and then wait for you to "approve" my account once more, but if you think I'm going to do that, then you, Sir, are totally fucking deluded!

For all that is holy in this world, please pull your fingers out of your arse and fix your Telephone Number Security Check, and stop making your users bend over backwards, and taking it up the arse! Some of us just want to get on with our lives, not be anally-satisfied by you!

(Curator of the Cinema-Extreme blog)

ADDENDUM - 18th August: Since posting this article, Facebook let me set-up a new account, but then decided that the new one, ALSO needed to be "verified" by telephone number, and - as I've now come to expect from Facebook - it won't let me verify the account! I've tried three different phone numbers, and no verification codes ever arrive. And on top of this, you still can't get in touch with Facebook to help you out! So, it would seem that Facebook is now heading to be one of those apps and sites I will simply never be any longer allowed to access, because of their draconian (and extremely backwards) rules/regulations! What fantastic service! Mark Zuckerberg, you really have created a completely backwards piece of software, with no support whatseover! You are dead to me!

ADDENUDM 2 - 26th August: Since I wrote my original addendum, my newest Facebook page was - surprise, surprise - blocked again. I was thus required to set-up one final new account, using my real name, and you blocked that too. In the end, Facebook gave me no choice, but to send them a heavily-censored JPEG of my Passport, to prove I was really who I said I was. After a couple of days, they unblocked the account, and - to this day - I've been able to use it. Admittedly, I still had to give them a phone number too, but I have made sure that only I know what that number is, and that no one else has access to it.

However, my troubles do not end there. Oh no! Facebook, in all its perceived wisdom, decided that I am not allowed to "Like" or "Follow" around 40 people/companies, because it's "too much". The day after I set-up the final account, they removed all of my "Likes" and "Follows", and blocked me from "Liking" or "Following" anyone until the start of September. Despite me locating some email addresses, buried deep, deep, deep in the nether-regions of the Internet, Facebook refuses to reply/respond, and even their own Official Facebook Page, is plastered with complaints from current or previous users, demanding help, and all the Official Facebook Page editor(s) do, is signpost you/them to the Help Centre pages! It's fantastic Customer Service from Facebook, and I believe they have truly outdone themselves with this never-ending, Dante'an Circle Of Hell that they send you in! So, for now, I do have a working Facebook page, but I still can't "Like" or "Follow" all of my friends that I want too.

Eat your heart out, Zuckerburg! No! Literally, please, eat your heart... So we can watch you choke on your own flesh!


  1. Believe it or not I just tried to comment on this cos I fucking hate facebook too ... Then I had to give my phone number to google so they could send me a code to verify I was me ... Then it sent me back to here but lost of my comment ... Both facebook and google eat dirty camels bottoms :)

    1. Hi Boyd.

      Nice to hear back from you again. Thanks for continuing to read my work!

      In the end, I gave-up with the stupid Phone Number verification system, because - after 4 days - it's still not working, and still telling me I'm doing something I shouldn't be! So, I just created a brand new Facebook profile, contacted my friends, explained what had happened, and although it took a couple of hours to set everything up, and make sure all the Privacy Settings were correctly set-up, I did get it done. A pain in the backside, for sure, but it was a darn sight easier than waiting to see if Facebook would get their act together, and respond to my request for help.

      The irony in all of this, is that I can't even tell Facebook to delete my old page/account, because you have to be logged-in before Facebook will let you tell them to delete the old one! And as I can't log-in in the first place, because Facebook doesn't believe I am who I claim to be, I'm stuck fast!

      Utterly farcical!

      On top of this, I then decided to see what would happen if, when you telephone Facebook's California or Ireland offices, you select the "I'm a member of Law Enforcement" option. What happened, shocked me greatly!

      Even if you were, hypothetically, a police officer or member of the FBI, Facebook still tells you via a lengthy, automated telephone message, that before you can speak to someone in-person on the phone at Facebook HQ, you have to e-mail across your full name, work address, a JPEG of your work ID, your work landline number, your work mobile/cell number, your boss's name, and only once you've e-mailed all that personal info to an unencrypted, bog-standard email account, will someone at Facebook verify things, and then decide whether they will call you back or not.

      So, theoretically-speaking, you might be working in Law Enforcement, trying to find out who is posting dodgy images on Facebook of underage minors, and with time being of the essence, you will NOT be allowed to speak to someone at Facebook, in order to get the information you need/action taken, until you have jumped through a shitload of hoops, and been "approved of" by some faceless Facebook runt!

      Utterly, fucking crazy! What a truly, truly stupid operation Facebook runs!